Senior Year
So it's been a really long time since I've posted. I'm guessing much of this year will be like that because I'm rather busy, and being a senior has a lot of extra things to think about, like what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, or even just next year.
But, even if I don't have a really great start in mind for next year, things are coming to a very satisfactory close this year. Getting my summer job was a great confidence boost. For all the negative things that came out of that, the one great thing was that I became so much more confident as a person. In comparing myself to what I was like freshman year, I can tell I've changed a lot. Which is a good thing. Even if I never use my major in a professional setting (which I hope won't be the case) college has been good for me in that respect.
Auditions went very smoothly this year and I'm in all the groups I tried out for. That means Jazz Ensemble, Jazz Combo, Christmas Quartets, and Vocal Jazz Class. I'm excited to be singing again, after a very long hiatus. I'm not nearly as anxious about jazz combo as I was last year, in part because I've proven that I'm up to it, and in part because I feel that I am respected as a musician by the guys I'm playing with. I no longer feel like I need to apologize for my failings, because I feel like we're closer to be being on the same level.
Jazz Ensemble is another thing altogether. While it's kind of a sign of prestige in Whitworth's jazz community to be a member of "the award winning Whitworth Jazz Ensemble, led by Dr. Dan Keberle" it's also a royal pain. Three stress-filled rehearsals a week. Oh boy. It's not that I dislike Dr. Keberle. It's that he's a very critical and exacting sort of person. That's what makes him a good ensemble leader. It's also what makes him scary beyond all reason. There's just something inherently intimidating in his manner. In addition, I'm the only girl in the ensemble and I'm not particularly excited about the guest artist that's coming this year. So despite the prestige, I'm not really looking forward to it all that much. Which is a funny thing, because I would've given my left eye a couple of years ago if I even thought I might have a chance at playing in this ensemble. Ah well.
So I'm sure I will grow a lot as a musician this year, as I have every year. The music department has done its job well. I'm not sure how far I will continue as a musician. Supply greatly exceeds demand, and while I love music, it's not what I value the most in life. I'll practice hard and I'll always play (and probably teach in some capacity), but there are other things that are equally and more important to me. I plan to leave room for those, even if it means being relegated to the status of "talented amateur." After all, being an amateur is a wonderful thing. The root of the word is "love."
But I am ambivalent (I used this word earlier today and liked it so much I'm using it again) as to what direction I should take after college. A not uncommon predicament I'm given to understand. I have ideas of what I'd like to do. But they stop short of being concrete goals. Because what if it doesn't work out? It's kind of a form of cowardice I suppose, but I'm just not willing to commit to a plan that contains the possibility that I might not succeed. It's something I'll have to get over. But I recognize that when you stake a lot on one dream, it's a big risk, and the losses are real and you can't get that time and effort back. There's no way to recoup them, if you will. I do have an internship set up with the Spokane Symphony. And I am excited about that. Everyone's under the impression that that's what I really want to do in life. But it's a false image. Something for me to hide behind because it's better than nothing. I mean, I DO want to work with a symphony. I think it would be awesome. Maybe not. I guess I'll find out. But it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's a kind of resignation peace. Well, I guess, since I have this degree, that I'd better use it in some way to prove people wrong that my time in the music department was not a complete and utter waste, etc. There are good motivations mixed in with these bad ones. But it's not as simple as it looks is all I'm saying.
And really, it's not supposed to be easy. Everyone struggles with this. Forging meaning out of your existence, it's a daunting task (don't ask me why I'm being so existential right now. I really can't say). In a way I'm sure that God has a good reason for creating me the way I am. But I'm dashed if I can see it.
All I know is that it's time to prepare for another big change in my life. And I think I'm ready, even if I'm a little frightened. I'm going to face it head on. And I'm going to try to make the most of it, however I possibly can. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this year. I'm going to make sure I spend my time as wisely as possible. I already have a great college experience to look back on. I'm going to make my last year count well.






