First Day of Training

It's been a very full day. On the one hand, I can't say that the first day of CA training has actually been that demanding. We met several people and were run through some basic responsibilities. But it started at 8:30 this morning and I just got back from April's (my boss) house at 7:30. The actual training was fine, but I am really anxious about the group of people I'll be working with. I'm anxious for people to like me in the first place, and I just hate conflict in general. I avoid it. I'm a conflict avoider. Passive aggressive. Whatever you want to call it. But add to that the fact that we will be living and working together almost every day this summer and I am desperate to fit in and for everyone to get along. I understand that there will be rough patches. But I hope we all work well together. And really on one hand there's no real cause for anxiety there because everyone I'm working with seems to be a genuinely cool person. And yet, it has me doubting the wisdom of my applying for the job in the first place. Part of me thinks the hiring carousel just took pity on my poor soul and decided to take a risk by making me part of the team. I mean, I'm a introvert by nature. Too much of the day spent with too many unfamiliar people is a sure way to stress me out. Maybe because I'm trying to please each and every one of them. It's times like that when God reminds me that I don't need to look for their approval. But it's a hard habit to break.

So I've been analyzing my motives in applying for this job. It looked like a really good opportunity to get some good experience I suppose. In a way, I've been trying to train myself to be less of an introvert, or at least to be able to handle the requirements of a professional workplace. I am constantly anxious about my future career opportunities. Growing up on a farm has taught me a lot about economics, I've been anxious about costing my parents too much money since I was about 4 and financial independence is something I've craved for just about as long. It's honestly not a desire to have lots of money for myself. It's a desire to not be a burden on my parents and the closer I get to graduation the more pressing it becomes. I owe them so much and they expect a lot of me. The hurdle of college debt hanging over me for a degree that likely will not do me any good has made me feel guilty ever since freshman year. But I couldn't NOT study music, I just couldn't, even if it meant taking a crappier job later in life. And really, I don't care so much about how much I like my job. I just want to be able to support my own weight. And really, I've always thought it would be nice to be well off enough someday to help my parents out. To let my mom do all those remodeling projects and travel a bit and to allow my dad to retire comfortably. It's something I worry about, because my parents never really had a retirement plan while my dad was farming and it was always kind of catch as catch can through junior high and high school. Anyhow, the point being is that I took this job knowing that it would be a challenge for me and knowing that I probably wasn't going to be a natural at it, but also knowing that the sooner I can learn this stuff the better off I'll be. It's difficult to balance your own dreams with others' expectations and economic realities. When people ask me what I'm going to do after college I give them the whole "arts administration" line, working for non-profits, actually using my music degree etc. But I don't really believe it. I just want a job. And I know people say it's not worth it to be miserable, but you'll understand that it's not a desire to be wealthy that's driving me, it's just an understanding of how hard it is out there.

All these things have been cycling through my mind all day as I've gotten to know my fellow CAs. It's a neat group of people. Hanna I knew from CYT and have had classes with. She's my podmate and so far we've been getting along well. I'm excited to get to know her better. Jaquette I don't know well but I like her sense of humor, she seems very friendly and open. Connie also seems like a lot of fun. Sarah is more quiet and I haven't gotten a chance to talk to her as much yet, but she seems pretty laid back and easy going, which is good. Of the guys there's Colin and Billy, who I've sort of known from classes but never really hung out with. Elorm is from Ghana and is very cool and has a really interesting life story. Austin seems to be a really strong Christian from what I've seen. Corey I don't know much about yet, but he seems to be a bit of a class clown. Between him and Jaquette we should be laughing all summer. So it's a cool group of kids and after spending such a long day almost exclusively with them I have so much respect for all of them. The day ended with a casual dinner at April's house. It wasn't part of the workday, it was just kind of a get to know everybody and hang out kind of deal. Unfortunately it's difficult for me to be casual at these kind of things because I know how important it is that we all get along (and hopefully become good friends) through the summer. So I'm self-monitoring like crazy, which is part of the reason that I'm writing so much now. Anyhow, we ended with a getting to know each other activity, and it was really eye-opening to learn so much about these kids, many of whom were close to complete strangers at the beginning of the day. And now I am tired and hoping somehow that I'll measure up to this incredible team. In a way, I'm still not sure why I was hired. I'm still not sure if this job is right for me or if I'm right for it. Yet I suppose if I can survive a whole summer with nobody but 40-year-old men as company, I hopefully should be able to hang out with an awesome group of kids my own age. It's just been a really long day.