Waaaayyy Long and Muddled

So this is just my strangely public way of organizing my thoughts a little. I've been a bit unpredictable lately and I think it's because I'm about to graduate from college and become a fully independent adult in just a few months. I didn't have much time to think about the gravity of this transition in the fall, but Jan-term has left me with time to think about my future, and as I've tried to form some definite plans various demons of uncertainty have jumped out at me, almost without my recognizing them.

I've only recently begun to notice that I'm more irritable lately. I'm discover that I DO have a bit of a temper and an unfortunate tendency to lash out when I'm in a bad mood. I've learned to ride out my mood swings, because they're often completely unfounded, but now I seem to be taking them out on those I respect and care about. If I've done so to you, I truly apologize. I probably didn't even think about it at the time, although I don't know that that's to my credit. If I do unexpectedly snap at you or otherwise act like an ogre, please bring my attention to the fact. I want to be aware of when I'm treating my friends unfairly. So please confront me about it. And thank you for forbearing with my sudden outbursts if you've had to deal with them. At least I'm now aware of the problem and it's something I'll have to be on my guard about and work on. On the flip side I'm becoming more outgoing and gregarious too. I seem to bounce between a slightly more extreme set of highs and lows, exhibiting fewer inhibitions in either case. My fear is that as graduation gets closer, it's only going to get worse. Hopefully now that I'm thinking about it I should be able to retain some control over myself.

As I said, I've been brushing off how big of a deal this upcoming transition really is. I remember feeling jittery and nervous prior to freshman year, but I was also excited because I knew I was going to a good place. Now my future is like the blinking cursor of a blank Word document at three in the morning. All I can think is: Start typing! Start typing! I'm only just realizing that this is an even bigger transition than going to colleg was, because it's so open-ended and puts such a final cap on childhood. Recognizing this has allowed me to give myself permission to be a little more emotional about it. I'm not being stupid or trite if I express that I'm nervous or overwhelmed, because it IS a big deal. The fact that everybody else goes through it too doesn't make it less of a big deal. I don't know why I always have such an aversion to being like everybody else. It's totally a pride thing. I want to be superior and above the silly problems of the common herd. Sick really. Stupid too. As though I were invincible from all that drives the lives of others.

And so I think a lot about what I want to DO with my life and how I want to live it, realizing that I'll now be able to define myself with a freedom I've never had before. I love the idea of this, of creating my own living space and being able to live out my philosophy of life through its expression in my work, hobbies, relationships etc. In a way I'm already doing this, but with limitations. I have an idea of who I want to be as an adult. Not what I want to do or accomplish, but the kind of person I want to be. There are some things about myself I want to change and probably will never be able to. There are other things I want to change and probably shouldn't. Nevertheless I have a very clear picture of how I want to function in life.

It's funny (as in peculiar, or perhaps just telling) how God gives us what we need, but not until the exact moment we absolutely need it. Fosters trust I suppose. I've recently discovered a certain inner strength I hadn't been aware of before. Of course it's not exactly self-reliance. Self-reliance is, in my opinion, a lie. Nobody can achieve that for long and be sustained. But January has allowed me to spend a lot more time with God and from that is springing a sort of self-assurance I didn't know I was capable of. As a teenager, like most teenagers, I craved acceptance and approval. I found that at Whitworth, only to discover I didn't really need it after all. Finally I don't have to run around worrying what people think of me.

This new found strength coupled with my restlessness about my future (as much as I commit myself to trust God, and one thing coming out is definitely an increase in that, I cannot be serene) are I think making me a bit reckless. I can sense my parents' anxiety that their little girl is about to venture out into the big bad world alone. In a way I can see their point. I almost feel like a danger to myself in my blind naivety. I'm such an idealist that all I want to think about is potential, not possible danger. Yet as much as I tell myself to be careful I also keep responding that I cannot be motivated by fear. You have to take risks in order to do something worthwhile. So be it.

Still, I wonder how much of my ambitions are rightly motivated. I feel excitement at some of the prospects of independence, but indignation and even boredom at others. I feel like I'm willing to embrace all the attractive aspects of adulthood, but that I want to avoid all the inconvenient ones. I will take on responsibility as it suits me and pick what obligations I feel are "worthy" of me, but reject those that seem too difficult or unpleasant. In short I applaud the IDEA of self-sacrifice but when faced with the actual spectre, not just some abstract idea of something noble and honorable, but the cold hard reality of what it means to give up something important for others, even the least thing, I turn away. I wonder how many of us really know the meaning of the word sacrifice. I wonder how many of us would really voluntarily submit to it. I wonder if we're even capable of it. My hunch is that true, unselfish, rightly motivated sacrifice is only possible through Christ. In fact that's more than a hunch, that's a basic tenet of faith. Just an implication, a part of believing that Christ is the only true model of it. In order to truly mature and live life in a way worthy of my professed relationship with God I must submit to Christ and ask for grace over and over again. My plans may all be very well, and my desires may be there for a very good reason, but they will never come to much if I stubbornly pick and choose only that which is agreeable to me. I will learn far more, and LIVE far more fully, if I allow God to take away what he will and direct me how he will. I don't really know the half of what this means. I know it's not clean cut black and white. But it's comforting somehow. So I will try to slow down and be patient and not worry about tomorrow.

Vic Bobb is Amazing

Friday was the last day of Crime and Punishment. Gosh I will miss that class. We had more than our share of dynamic personalities, off the wall discussions, random stories, and excellent debates. Plus spending a month with the likes of Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Perry Mason, Phillip Marlowe, Henry Merrivale and Cordelia Gray to name but a few is to spend a month in pretty excellent company. I reflected that if I had actually taken something practical I would have missed out on making the acquaintance of one of those rare "kindred spirits" as Anne so aptly calls them, for Vic Bobb is certainly that. When not throwing out excellent reading recommendations he was reminiscing about life in rural Washington or sharing my own admiration for landscape photography.

So for all the oddities of the class, I felt sad to leave it on Friday. On entering the room I saw that Vic was arranging a large collection of mystery novels on his desk, as though they were a display in a bookstore. I recognized the omnibus edition of Father Brown I had borrowed from him over the summer. They were, I assumed, books for us borrow. He said he had originally been going to assign them based on what he thought different people would like, but had eventually decided to let us pick our own reading material. How great was that? I already had a stack of John Dickson Carr novels on loan from him and felt a little guilty choosing more from his library, but I wanted to read some more P.D. James or Raymond Chandler. I would wait though, for the rest of the class to pick. Class began and Vic announced that we each would get to take one novel from the desk. "Wait, you're giving them to us?" someone asked. "Sure." What!? He was GIVING these AWAY? I couldn't believe it. If that was the case, I knew which one I had to take. It was so funny. I had almost bought the complete Father Brown with an Amazon gift card I got for Christmas, but had decided against it in favor of getting a couple of movies. And how fitting that I should own the copy that Vic Bobb had loaned me before he knew who I was. So now the beloved volume is sitting in my room, an excellent souvenir from an excellent class and a great professor. If anyone would like to borrow it, let me know.

Cussedness

Sir Henry Merrivale, known to all as H.M., is very quickly becoming one of my favorite fictional characters. We're reading "The Judas Window" in Crime and Punishment, and I find it to be quite excellent, not least because H.M. is a barrister who addresses the jury (and others) with "Well, my fatheads." But the following passage was the clincher and simply had to share its amazingness.

"I love to be a Corrector of Cussedness. You've heard me talk a lot in the past about the blinkin' awful cussedness of things in general, and I suppose you thought that was only my way of lettin' off steam. But I meant it. Now, ordinarily, this cussedness is supposed to be funny. You can't help bein' amused even when you kick the wastepaper basket all over the room. I mean that the one morning you've got an important engagement is the one morning you miss the train. The one time you take your best girl out to dinner is the one time you call for the bill and find you've left your wallet at home. But did it ever occur to you to think how that applies to whackingly serious matters too? Just think back over your own life, and see whether most of the important things that happened to you were prompted by anybody's effort to do malice, or anybody's effort to do good, or, burn me, by anybody's effort at all: but simply by the sinful, tearin' cussedness of things in general."

"You don't make a religion of that, do you?" I asked. "For if you think that things in general are all banded together in a conspiracy to administer a celestial kick in the pants, you might as well retire to Dorset and write novels."

"Y'see," said H.M., with ghoulish amusement, "that goes to show that the only sort of cussedness you can imagine is the kind that lands you in the soup. Like the Greek tragedies where the gods get a twist on some poor feller and he's never got a chance. You want to say, 'Hey, fair play!--take a few wallops at him if you must, but don't load the dice so far that the feller can't even go out in a London fog without comin' home with sunstroke.' No, son. Everything works both ways, especially cussedness...Call the whole process by any fancy name you like: call it destiny or Mansoul or the flexibility of the unwritten Constitution: but it's still cussedness."

Wow

Well it's been kind of difficult to post anything about break because we have no phone. But just an idea of what I've been up to.

1. Getting snowed in with friends (specifically Katrina. We watched six movies, researched WWI, and learned how to make eggs in a basket).
2. Getting snowed in at home and reading a lot. I read Persuasion in a day (which was very good Katrina, I can see why you like it so much although I think Mansfield Park is still my favorite Austen). Two days later I stayed up until about 4:00 in the morning and finished Jane Eyre in a day... Wow was I expecting it to be different! I was expecting delicate Austenish satire. I got a gothic Christian romance novel. Although I think Bronte's literary merits go above that description, so don't get the wrong idea.
3. Went sledding, a lot.
4. Walked out to the highway several times, for Christmas and baby showers and such.
5. Went to First Night Spokane with Karen. Had a lot of fun and ran into a lot of Whitworth kids.
6. Was plowed out by the National Guard on New Year's Day! It was pretty cool.
7. Played the piano, a lot. I will become a good sight-reader. I am determined.
8. Finally was able to check my grades and I got exactly what I wanted.
9. Will be heading back to Spokane shortly, the Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

IT'S OVER!!!

It is very difficult to focus on the nine steps of redesign when the first real snow of the winter is taking place right outside the winter. So who knows how my last exam went. Not too bad, I don't think. And now it's done! And I took a nap! And I'm going home this weekend! And I don't want to think. At all. a;llkjfieo;asoiefjkl;asdf jio;dsoiajffcail;osdijf! ioasdf... ffdawefdefefiojijkkkji i d j i l j n s e i j f ahhhhhhhhhhhlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalalalalalallallalafalalalafalalalafalalalalala. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

:-) *yawns* I'm going to eat something now.

Things I Will Miss About Whitworth 1

So in reading back over my blog I said that I wouldn't have much time to post senior year. I was right. It's been crazy and challenging and exciting and overwhelming in so many different ways. There have been so many times this semester that I thought I was on the verge of giving up, like there was no way I could ever finish all the assignments that were due or be ready for performances or even CARE about either anymore. Yet I've made it. Somehow. And I seem to have a pretty good chance at coming out okay. I'm happy that I'll be enjoying a much lighter load for Jan-term and spring. I definitely don't want to do this again. But I've learned a lot about myself, and that's been a good thing.

With that said, I've been thinking about how different life is going to be next year after I graduate. Whitworth was my first experience of independence and has played a big part in who I currently am. It will be weird not to be part of this community anymore. I was reflecting today that while there are things I will miss about Whitworth specifically, a lot of the things I will miss are related to the fact that an episode is closing in my life. It's not Whitworth, it's being a student, being in that transition period between teenager and adult (why are there so many transition phases? I'm sure it has to be a modern thing), being in such a strong network of friends. Things like that. So here's a list of both Whitworth things and life things that I will miss next year. This is just looking back on the fall, so there will probably be a spring list too. Thus the "1" in the title.

1. Awesome friends, lots of them - Absolutely the hardest thing about graduation, whether I end up moving away or not, will be the fact that so many of the close relationships I have developed will fade in some way. It will be interesting who I stay in touch with and who gradually moves out of my life, and it's hard to think about. My friends at Whitworth have become an extension of family and in some ways know more about me than my actual family does. After we graduate we're all going to be in different places, whether it's back home or at a new job or overseas or what have you. I'm excited for all of us, but I'm going to miss people terribly.

2. Hanging out in the dorms - this is something that really died last year since I'm off campus now, but some of my best memories will involve impromptu dorm happenings. It's just guaranteed that when you shove a bunch of "youngsters" in a small space together crazy fun things are going to happen. Luckily at Whitworth most of those things are also safe.

3. Music - student recitals, concerts, student-ticket prices (REALLY going to miss that), symphony group, lessons, ensembles (even jazz ensemble!), being able to explore and play music as much as I want to and be considered normal at the same time AND be surrounded with people who are as crazy about it as I am.

4. Academia - Well, I am getting a little tired of the college atmosphere in this respect, but it is still neat to walk down the halls of Dixon and pass by lectures on Kant, metaphysics, child psychology, and economics to name a few. Sometimes I think I want to just sit outside the doors and soak it all in. Then I remember that even for a place populated by thoughtful, intelligent students like Whitworth that would be weird.

5. Professors - How awesome is it to have so many personal mentors whose job is to focus on giving you the tools to succeed? How awesome is it to have amazing personal role models and banks of information who are just an email away? Whitworth has some outstanding professors and I've developed close relationships with more than a few. My theory is that they start out as parent figures when you're a lost little freshman, so there's a special bond I think. Granted, I will NOT miss being the focus of so many people's vocation or the topic of meeting room discussions. I never want to know how auditions are discussed. Ever.

6. Brick buildings and pine trees - Whitworth is like the college campus version of a comfy old sweater. It has the academic feel, but it's a casual one.

7. Chapel - especially services like tonight's Candlelight Nativity. I have a difficult time encountering all the anti-Christian thought out there. I'm pretty strong in my faith (currently) but I always feel that I have to apologize or admit that I'm an ignorant idiot for being a Christian. To have the encouragement of a strong community of fellow Christians whose intelligence I also respect has been a huge blessing. To be able to openly express my faith without fear is another. To have a haven from homework and stress and a place to refocus on what's important is a third.

8. Being nocturnal - after a certain hour, everything becomes funny. Alternatively, homework also becomes more evil.

That's enough for now I think. Expect more to come. :-) Sometimes I think I do better with life if I can treat it as what is happening is already in the past. That's probably why I often narrate to myself in past tense. Weird I know.

Der Erlkönig

By Franz Schubert

No, the Weird is Not Over

Okay, I haven't even moved since my last blog post. But I've just found out that the Obama campaign is spending up to $6 million on a 30 MINUTE TV AD. Seriously people? Seriously? Were you and your campaign not satisfied with the fact that you have the press in you pocket? According to this article on the BBC website, Obama has raised "$660m, twice as much as Senator McCain - is being used to flood key states with TV advertising."

"He is likely to spend more than $100m on TV advertising in October alone, more than Senator McCain's entire campaign budget, which is limited to $84m because he opted to accept federal funds."

I mean, is this really necessary? No. Absolutely no! And I'm hoping that it will have the effect that I'm guessing it will have, that is, to turn people off a little bit. The near messianic treatment this guy is getting is going to make me barf. It. Is. Ridiculous. He is just a politician. That is all. He does not even have an impressive track record after his, what, 4 years as Senator? Woohoo. But all he has to do is say the word "change" and people act like he's the pinnacle of the modern statesman. But I really don't understand WHY a 30 minute TV ad is necessary for a politican who's campaign is obviously dominating his opponent's. And WHO is giving his campaign all this money? What is the deal with this guy? Who's back is he scratching that he is able to roll all over everyone like this? That the media grovel at his feet and the McCain campaign seems perpetually cursed? I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I know how politics work. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Return to Normal Now, Yes?

So I thought that I was done with the weird portion of my day. Not quite it seems.

We got our Worldview papers back in Core at the end of class. I did pretty well, 93, A-. Even Mary Trotter had said that Core 350 is just one of those classes you have to accept you won't get an 'A' in. But then I started looking through the comments. How weird, I didn't know my D Group leader would be grading both drafts. Wait... There are no marks on my final draft. But it's not possible... So I went to see Brooke for the second time today. I apologized for bothering her so often but explained that I hadn't realized she would be grading both drafts. She said she only graded the final drafts. Um. The meeting ended in a lot of laughter and I resubmitted my paper for (hopefully!) a better score. I hadn't even used MLA citation in my rough draft. She wrote this long comment about how MLA citation is supposed to work. Sweet taffy I hope I know how to use MLA citation by my senior year in college! I can't believe she still gave me a 93...

And so, with a little humor added to my day, I went to buy some lunch as I need to go grocery shopping. There was a very long line for sandwhiches, so I decided to go to the taco bar. I love quesedillas, but I really hadn't eaten very well yesterday so I thought maybe some tacos with lettuce and tomato etc. would be a better option. So I ordered them, and the guy gave them to me, and then I realized as I was walking away that he hadn't even put any lettuce and tomato on them! What the heck? Oh well. It was about the same as a chicken quesedilla anyways.

And so onward to Editing, Layout and Design. Who knows what weirdness will follow. Good grief the day's only half over.

I Believe In Evil Stress Fairies

Firstly, why is that whenever I log onto blogger at school, it's always in kanji? Moving on.

Evil Stress Fairies are out to get me. I can think of no other explanation.

First I incorrectly wrote in my planner that I had a project due today AND Friday and my journalism class. It's only due Friday...

So after freaking out about that last night I stayed up until 1:00 in the morning working on my policy paper proposal for Core 350. I hate that class. I didn't quite finish, so I saved it to my computer to work on in the morning and studied a bit for the analysis portion of my Music History midterm.

So this morning I got up at 6:30 and was in the HUB at 7:30 when I realized that I had forgotten I would need a CD player for the analysis portion of my midterm. My plan had been to pick up the one that I'm not even sure works anymore at my house over fall break, but I had forgotten. So I frantically thought of alternatives. It was too late to ask my housemates if they had one I could borrow, so I emailed Strauch really quick to ask if I could use my laptop (which I had just happened to bring to work on Core stuff) OR possibly transfer it to my iPod, which I had also happened to bring. After an anxious half hour I ran into the man himself and he said laptops were fine. Phew! In fact, over half the class used them.

BUT right before the midterm started I realized I had misplaced my headphones. I thought I had them in my pocket but no. After digging through my backpack and checking the computer lab I finally found them tucked underneath some things I hadn't taken out of my backpack since going to Seattle... Okay. Midterm went fine. Now to finish that Core outline.

I went downstairs, opened my laptop, went to open my email... CRASH! My computer FREAKED OUT! Weird colors, black screen, letters running together to form gibberish weirdness! Great. Now I can't print any of what I was up late last night working on. After 5 attempts to restart my computer, I finally went to my discussion group leader to explain what had happened. She said that if I wanted I could try and get as much of the worksheet done as I could and as long as I turned that in before class was over I'd be fine. Grumbling to the Dixon computer lab I prepared to rewrite my entire assignment. In one last act of rebellion and bitterness I attempted to restart my computer again. It worked just fine.

Can I just say, what the heck?

Well That Was Awful

Briefly: I think the Marcus Roberts clinic today will forever be one of my worst memories of performing ever. I was so embarrassed by how poorly I did. I had the opportunity to play and be critiqued by an outstanding jazz artist, and I messed it up, played the wrong chords, and got lost during my solo. In was so embarrassed, and the jazz combos and instructors from Eastern and Whitworth were all there to witness me making a complete fool out of myself in front of these great jazz musicians. Oh yes, and the symphony staff. Could somebody please kill me so that I never I have to face these people again. Why do I always screw up when it really matters? I'm so unbelievably disappointed in myself, and I don't even want to think about combo rehearsal on Monday, or ensemble on Tuesday, or seeing Keberle and Edstrom around the music building and knowing that I reflected poorly on their program, their teaching and the university.

The jazz gig tonight went well though. I just tried to enjoy the relaxed environment and have fun, which was nice. The people there really seemed to enjoy it too, which is always nice. But it's been a weird day, and I kind of wish I could erase the whole thing from memory and start over.

A Political Observation

I plan on blogging about the purse fiasco eventually. But first there's something I just have to mention in relation to this year's presidential election: I was aware of Barack Obama when I was a senior in high school. Yes. It's true. And here's why.

My school required that we take a Contemporary World Problems (I think) or CWP class. This was led by my amazing honors English teacher Mr. Strait (who, once again, I really should catch up with one of these days). It wasn't a very intense course. Mostly he just has us read "Newsweek" and would lead discussions on certain topics and have us write opinion papers. And so it is that I have read every single issue of Newsweek from September 2004 to probably January. I don't remember if it was a two semester course or just one. And that's where I found out about Barack Obama.

The minute I started paying attention to the presidential primaries I vividly remembered reading the Newsweek article and I wasn't at all surprised to see Barack Obama as a candidate OR that he beat out Hillary Clinton. I won't be surprised when he becomes president. I honestly don't think John McCain has a prayer. So today I went to the Whitworth library to see if I could find the particular issue that had tipped me off to the guy who has become such a media all-star. I first found a short bit on him in the Nov. 1 issue. It's just a small box with the headline "Star Bringing In the Money." It was about his work campaigning for John Kerry. It says "Obama's campaigning (for himself for Senate and for Kerry) has prompted plenty of rumors about his ambitions in Washington--and, should Kerry lose, in 2008. But for his part, Obama has played coy on what the future holds, saying recently, 'I'm just a lowly state senator trying to get into the U.S. Senate.'" Very interesting.

In the issue covering Bush's victory, Obama is not listed as one of the democratic hopefuls for 2008. Hillary Clinton is present, but few of the other actual contenders are. And then I found it. The "Who's Next Issue." He is on the COVER. "2005 Barack Obama, A Rising Star Who Wants to Get Beyond Blue vs. Red." Wow. I mean, just wow. I think it's fairly obvious that Obama has a powerful media engine behind him. I mean, the biased coverage is almost to the point of ludicrous. Nobody really seems to care. I won't rant on it too much. Let's just say it really, really annoys me. But EVEN back in 2005... Obama was already a big deal. A very big deal.

Now, to clarify on this post and why I'm making it. My conservative friends tend to think that I too am conservative. My liberal friends likewise tend to think that I am liberal. So to clarify, I am neither. Just confused. And indecisive. One of those scary independents who are so influential and also so easily influenced/manipulated. I think both presidential candidates have major, major flaws and am uncomfortable voting for either of them. But obviously I have to choose. But I wanted to point out that Obama has had an edge on this election from day 1, and that was the media. Whether he's just media-savvy, has the right connections, or has really influential people behind him (probably a combination of all three) the media, almost ALL of them (that's right Dr. McPherson, despite your claims for conservative media-bias, which I think are ridiculous). Anyways, where was I? The media. In. Obama's. Pocket. Like a puppet. Every story about him I have read is how it's so "historical" or about how the only people who won't vote for him are racist, etc. Every story about McCain is actually about Sarah Palin or about how angry and negative he's been etc. And it just floors me that this goes all the way back to 2005. Who did Newsweek predict as Republican nominee for 2008? Rick Santorum. Rick who? John McCain gets mug shot and a box. Kind of shows you what he's up against. Or was up against. Even in 2005.

Laszlo Polgar

So we're watching "The Magic Flute" in Music History. Amazing. Despite the fact that it is sexist, racist, and about how wonderful freemasonry is. The particular production we are watching is rather quirky, but very fun. It's not like a blockbuster Met production but historically more accurate, trying to imitate how the opera would have been presented in Mozart's day.

Anyways, it is very fun and reaffirming the rather obvious conviction that Mozart was a genius. All the performers are good, but the guy who plays Sarastro, Laszlo Polgar, has the most amazing bass voice ever! He shows up late in the second act but the minute he started singing I thought "wow! That is amazing!" I love it when guys have deep, rich singing voices. Anyhow, here is a short clip of him singing Sarastro's second aria. It is not my favorite piece of music, but you have to agree that his voice is (or at least was, I don't know if he's still singing), pretty spectacular.

Marcus Roberts is a Very Big Deal...

On October 18th I will be playing with the Whitworth Jazz Ensemble and with my jazz combo for a clinic with Marcus Roberts, who is an extraordinary jazz pianist... Yikes! Needless to say, I'm quite frightened. Check out his website and you'll see why.

The Real World?

I experienced a slight slap in the face this afternoon. It happened in the library, where I witnessed possibly the first instance of "bullying" I've ever seen on campus. I was in the reading room, happily skimming the paper when a loud group of three entered.

I heard a "Hey man, what's up," and only then noticed the other student that had been in the room with me. He was kind of short, pasty, a little overweight, and wearing glasses. The two guys in the group, who were addressing him, were tall, muscular, tan, with backwards baseball caps and pants that didn't cover their underwear. There was a girl with them. Thin, tan, stylish. It was almost out of a badly written Hollywood movie.

The new group proceeded to form a sort of circle around the kid, the sarcasm apparent in their voices as they asked how he was doing, one of them actually ruffled his hair. I wondered if it was some sort of social norm experiment by the sociology department. I nearly fell out of my chair when one of the guys asked "how's the females?" in a not so subtle jibe at the other guy's lack of physical attractiveness. Not surprisingly, he didn't know how to respond. The aggressive dialogue continued for a bit before the recipient got up and said he was leaving because he had to study for a test and didn't want to be bothered. At this point I'd been glaring at the group of them, in spite of myself, without even trying to hide my disdain. I thought I'd left this behind in high school! Did they honestly think this was appropriate behavior? How old were these kids?

They managed to calm him down a bit and he stayed and chatted with them. I kept expecting them to openly laugh at some of his comments, which were unfortunately a little dorky. But at this point hopefully they realized they were acting like jerks because they managed to show some restraint. I was interested to see what sort of conversation would follow after he left, but either because I was there or because another friend of theirs showed up they didn't pursue the topic. I personally found their lack of acceptance sickening. It's one thing to not understand somebody else because they are different. It's another to victimize them because of it.

Anyhow, this relatively minor occurence is the type of thing I'm fairly sensitive too, because I always identify with the recipient. And it got me thinking that maybe I'm overestimating the ability of people to mature. Maybe behavior that I find to be clearly adolescent really continues far beyond what I think of as an excusable age. Maybe they were just dumb freshmen. I don't know.

I've been really sheltered here at Whitworth, which boasts of a relatively supportive and accepting community. I've been able to surround myself with "people like me." A complete change from what my life before college was like. But I've heard that this adds to the difficulty of life after Whitworth, because I will no longer be sheltered in a dominantly Christian community or spending most of my day with people who understand why I would rather go to a symphony concert than a performance given by Green Day or something like that. And while it's been great to have that freedom to be myself, and to not be ashamed of who I am, I have to realize that it's not going to last.

In fact, one of my frustrations with academia in general is that it's all so artificial. This is especially true in the music department, as with other arts I'm sure. My music profs and fellow students have built their own little musical world, where it becomes almost unthinkable that anyone would think classical music is "boring." But the truth is that most of the things I love are ignored or looked down upon by most people. It's something I've had to struggle with growing up, because I'm one of those people who always craves acceptance and will do almost anything to gain it. Even compromise my personal beliefs. But I don't want to be that way. And I don't want to have to isolate myself in my own special little bubble of like-minded people. I want to be strong enough to engage with others who aren't necessarily like me. But the challenge is that other people generally aren't that accepting of people different from themselves, as evidenced today. On one level this makes sense. If I don't share basic values with someone, I'm going to have a difficult time respecting them. On the other hand, I don't want to parade myself as some sort of intellectually and spiritually elite snob. Especially because I am neither of the two. I don't go much in for elitism anyways.

Anyhow, in many ways I'm eager to get out into the real world, even if I'm apprehensive. I don't really feel strong enough for it. But, and I never thought I'd say this, college life is becoming somewhat bland. I go to class, jump through the hoop of the day, watch my professors lead me on a string to the next idea, etc. I appreciate the things I AM learning, but most of my classes no longer seem that engaging or interesting. Part of it I think is that I realize it's coming to an end, and I'm anxious to establish myself wherever I'm going to be next. The uncertainty of it is what's driving me forward.

I had some other thing to rant about here that I've forgotten. Probably it had to do with how I don't feel ready for "the rest of my life." Or maybe my anxiety about the economy and how my grand dreams of living in another country for a year are likely not going to work out. In any case, I'm not really depressed per se. Just a little uneasy and struggling with how to be "in the world but not of the world." I suppose the bottom line is whatever I succeed or fail to experience or accomplish in the coming years, the most important factor will lie in my love for God and my desire to serve him. I don't know quite where I "fit" yet, but I don't have to fit anywhere to love others as myself, as high of a mandate as that is. Anyhow, this is all very random and confused, which likely reflects my state of mind, so now I'm going to go do something, hopefully productive.

The Five Levels of Acknowledgement on the Hello Walk

So I just experienced one of those awkward Whitworth sidewalk moments where you're not sure whether you should say hello etc. And that got me thinking. There are levels of "hello" here at Whitworth.



Basically, there are 2 kinds of people on campus. People who say hello to complete strangers and people who don't. We'll call them Type A and Type B. The tricky part is, if you are Type A, you have to discern who is of your kind and who isn't. If you are Type B, you just don't worry about it.



This leads us to the Five Levels of Acknowledgement on the Hello Walk.



Level One actually has two options. A and B. Option A is what happens when 2 Type As who are complete strangers meet. They acknowledge each other's presence in some way (more on this later). If one or both of the people are Bs, then no greeting will happen. BUT in both cases there is a prefunctory awkward test to see whether or not a greeting will be responded to. For example, if two people happen to meet, an A will try to make eye contact. If the other person also attempts to make eye contact, and eye contact indeed happens, both parties can be fairly sure that a greeting will not go unacknowledged. IF however the other person just continues to walk staring straight ahead, that is obviously a B and you will be crushed and ignored if you try to wave at them.



So much for the prelimary stage. Next comes the method of acknowledgement. For most a silent wave or nod will do (usually accompanied by a smile). But some take it a tiny step further and mouth a greeting. That's right. Mouth. I've caught myself doing this multiple times. Instead of actually saying "hello," you just pretend to say it. Usually it degenerates into you just silently opening your mouth, giving the appearance of being awestruck by the stranger's presence.



Level Two is similarly tricky because this is a greeting between acquaintances. Level Two could be called the "how are you?" level. You see the person and say something along the lines of "how's it going?" Not because you really want to know, but because this is code for "you are not a complete stranger." The problem is, after having say 14 credits of classes and being involved in multiple clubs, a Whitworth student makes many acquaintances that in some cases they never have close contact with again. The tricky thing is when to terminate a Level Two type of acknowledgement with someone you've only had one class with and put them again in Level One status. Unfortunately there is no formula. It is different for everybody. I can be IN a class with someone on a team with them and get a Type B Level One response. Or I can have sat next to them in Core 150 once and still be asking them about their current status.



Level Three is when you know more than just a person's hair color and that you had Writing I with them last fall. A few basic facts such as what their major is, what year they are, and who their friends are, are necessary. These types of greetings are really intermediary between Two and Four. "How are you?" begins to be a sincere question, but will illicit a fairly short response, generally about how much homework they have or something.



Level Four is the Extended Circle of Friends level. Maybe it's someone you know quite well, but don't see very often. These conversations are frequently LONGER than Level Five conversations, because you end up explaining your entire schedule etc. to them every time you see them. Because you don't see them very often. Recently it's been a typical greeting I've used for friends who have been abroad. We'll stand in the HUB for roughly half an hour while I hear the basics about what it was like in Africa. Then we will plan to meet for coffee sometime when we're not so busy and forget.



Level Five, the Whitworth Friends for Life level. Or just the You're a Really Touchy Feely person level. Level Five greetings are obvious because they always start with a huge hug and either a "I'm so excited to see you" or a launch into the latest rant of why that person hates Core 350.

And there you have it.

A Shining Ray of Hope

It's amazing how much a small gesture can make a difference. I was once again dreading Jazz Ensemble today. I wondered just how much I would embarrass myself this time, etc.

The rehearsal wasn't too awful. I got told again that I need to dig in more, but that's nothing new. Afterwards though, Dr. Keberle asked me if "I was okay," and whether or not he was "yelling" at me too much. Well that's kind of awkward. But at the same time it kind of broke the ice for me. I was able to come out and say "no! I WANT to improve and I need feedback to do that!" And just being able to communicate that was really helpful for me for some reason. I no longer have to take his criticisms personally and hopefully he no longer has to worry about damaging my fragile female psyche. *rolls eyes* So hopefully I will no longer have feel sick three days out of the week. At the same time I'm wondering "Am I really that transparent?" Maybe it was the abject terror in my eyes every time I walked into the band room.

Oh dear. So another example of Heidi being silly and feeling stupid. But, er, in a positive way.

Great, so now I'm everyone's mommy?

I just got the following email from Brent.

Dear students,
Please submit a schedule to Eric Moe ASAP if you haven’t done so already. Eric mentioned that he hadn’t yet heard from everyone so I’m writing with this gentle reminder. This will be a very strong and fun group so I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

Heidi: Please talk to Isaac, Blair and Kurt at the next rehearsal to narrow down a possible rehearsal time.

Best regards
Brent

Um, so why am I the one who's responsible for narrowing down a rehearsal time? Could it possibly be that I'm the only one that sent Eric my schedule? *rolls eyes* Boys.

Senior Year

So it's been a really long time since I've posted. I'm guessing much of this year will be like that because I'm rather busy, and being a senior has a lot of extra things to think about, like what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, or even just next year.

But, even if I don't have a really great start in mind for next year, things are coming to a very satisfactory close this year. Getting my summer job was a great confidence boost. For all the negative things that came out of that, the one great thing was that I became so much more confident as a person. In comparing myself to what I was like freshman year, I can tell I've changed a lot. Which is a good thing. Even if I never use my major in a professional setting (which I hope won't be the case) college has been good for me in that respect.

Auditions went very smoothly this year and I'm in all the groups I tried out for. That means Jazz Ensemble, Jazz Combo, Christmas Quartets, and Vocal Jazz Class. I'm excited to be singing again, after a very long hiatus. I'm not nearly as anxious about jazz combo as I was last year, in part because I've proven that I'm up to it, and in part because I feel that I am respected as a musician by the guys I'm playing with. I no longer feel like I need to apologize for my failings, because I feel like we're closer to be being on the same level.

Jazz Ensemble is another thing altogether. While it's kind of a sign of prestige in Whitworth's jazz community to be a member of "the award winning Whitworth Jazz Ensemble, led by Dr. Dan Keberle" it's also a royal pain. Three stress-filled rehearsals a week. Oh boy. It's not that I dislike Dr. Keberle. It's that he's a very critical and exacting sort of person. That's what makes him a good ensemble leader. It's also what makes him scary beyond all reason. There's just something inherently intimidating in his manner. In addition, I'm the only girl in the ensemble and I'm not particularly excited about the guest artist that's coming this year. So despite the prestige, I'm not really looking forward to it all that much. Which is a funny thing, because I would've given my left eye a couple of years ago if I even thought I might have a chance at playing in this ensemble. Ah well.

So I'm sure I will grow a lot as a musician this year, as I have every year. The music department has done its job well. I'm not sure how far I will continue as a musician. Supply greatly exceeds demand, and while I love music, it's not what I value the most in life. I'll practice hard and I'll always play (and probably teach in some capacity), but there are other things that are equally and more important to me. I plan to leave room for those, even if it means being relegated to the status of "talented amateur." After all, being an amateur is a wonderful thing. The root of the word is "love."

But I am ambivalent (I used this word earlier today and liked it so much I'm using it again) as to what direction I should take after college. A not uncommon predicament I'm given to understand. I have ideas of what I'd like to do. But they stop short of being concrete goals. Because what if it doesn't work out? It's kind of a form of cowardice I suppose, but I'm just not willing to commit to a plan that contains the possibility that I might not succeed. It's something I'll have to get over. But I recognize that when you stake a lot on one dream, it's a big risk, and the losses are real and you can't get that time and effort back. There's no way to recoup them, if you will. I do have an internship set up with the Spokane Symphony. And I am excited about that. Everyone's under the impression that that's what I really want to do in life. But it's a false image. Something for me to hide behind because it's better than nothing. I mean, I DO want to work with a symphony. I think it would be awesome. Maybe not. I guess I'll find out. But it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's a kind of resignation peace. Well, I guess, since I have this degree, that I'd better use it in some way to prove people wrong that my time in the music department was not a complete and utter waste, etc. There are good motivations mixed in with these bad ones. But it's not as simple as it looks is all I'm saying.

And really, it's not supposed to be easy. Everyone struggles with this. Forging meaning out of your existence, it's a daunting task (don't ask me why I'm being so existential right now. I really can't say). In a way I'm sure that God has a good reason for creating me the way I am. But I'm dashed if I can see it.

All I know is that it's time to prepare for another big change in my life. And I think I'm ready, even if I'm a little frightened. I'm going to face it head on. And I'm going to try to make the most of it, however I possibly can. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this year. I'm going to make sure I spend my time as wisely as possible. I already have a great college experience to look back on. I'm going to make my last year count well.

Awesome Day

Tuesday was pretty amazing. But first I'll back up a bit.

The CA job (which I plan to post more about at the end of the summer) has been an extremely intense experience. Something of a combination of a challenging learning experience, a fun alternative to farm work, and an enormous amount of stress.

Things had been going relatively well in early July, although I was pretty tired and ready for a break. So on the 15th I was very happy to have made it to my week of vacation. I went home and relaxed, read some books etc. It was great. I returned that Sunday refreshed and eager to finish out the summer strong. It was like a blind man walking into a tornado.

Things had NOT been going well the week I was gone. My supervisor, who was already very stressed, had been taking out said stress on the team of CAs. Apparently angry emails were sent, the team was disgruntled, etc. But then the topper came that a group of boys basketball campers had accidentally been locked out of the HUB during their dinner time. Stories vary, but something along the lines of "nobody had been scheduled to run info. desk that day" and "there was a mistake in the Lock/Unlock schedule" seems to have happened. Now, being stupid high school boys, they did not do the common-sensical thing and call one of the phone numbers that we have plastered all over campus. No. They ordered pizza. So while Sodexo was waiting for these 14 players to come and get their dinner, they called a place and payed extra money for a dinner that they had essentially already payed for. Their coach didn't even hear about it until the next day when he asked them how their dinner was, so of course we knew nothing about it. And then our supervisor found out and her already thin-worn patience (actually I'm not sure if there was any left) snapped.

Enter Heidi. I just happened to arrive on the morning after she had found out about this blunder. I was a little mystified when she walked in and didn't even acknowledge my existence. Usually she asks how the weekend was etc. and here I had been gone for a whole week and not even a "good morning." We all sat down in the meeting room and all hell broke loose. Suffice it to say that it was the worst chewing out I've ever received in my entire life and that includes the times when I've been in serious trouble with my parents. I would say that it crossed the line more than a little bit, especially considering many of us had had time off directly preceding that day and could have in no way been involved. I won't go on about what I thought/think of her decision to call a meeting when she was so angry or her lack of self-monitoring when speaking (read: screaming hysterically) at us. She told us that if we didn't think we could handle the job, we should just quit right then, as we all stared on in disbelief. But absolutely nobody was happy and suffice it to say I was kind of wishing I had stayed at home. I was especially sorry for the people who had been working, because they had been working extra hard to "avoid getting yelled at." Not good. Not good at all.

Fast forward a week later. Things calmed down although a general atmosphere of discontent still prevailed. I had the sneaking suspicion that our boss still not-so-secretly resented us. The usual Tuesday meeting was being held, Tuesday being the day when the entire staff is supposed to work. We again looked on in disbelief as our supervisor explained that she had been thinking and decided that today would be a CA Guys' fun day. She procured a $20 bill, told them that they would go downtown for the day, they could do anything (legal) that they wanted and buy whatever they wanted with the money. The only conditions were that they take a memorable picture and that there would be a contest between the guys and girls memorable pictures when the girls had their fun day next week. I was confused. She later confessed that she wanted to let the girls go first, but really wanted to get rid of the guys. Fair enough. They are a little loud at times. That is, they like to play their music in the office at somewhat unprofessional levels and it is a little annoying at times.

So the guys left, the girls stayed for a quiet day and all was well.

And that is what set up my awesome Tuesday. Because the next Tuesday was also the last day that every CA would be working on the same day, due to vacations and things. So it happened to be the day of our "end of year" celebration. It also happened to be the day of our Sodexo luncheon.

Schedule of Events
8:30 a.m. - depart for Greenbluff
9:15 to 11:30ish - Amazing fun times at Greenbluff taking pictures, which can be seen on Facebook.
11:30 - 12:15 - return to campus.
12:15 to 1:3o - visit the guy's houses and take stalkerish pictures in front of them/in their rooms/with their housemates/with their host mom... Look for B-Rob to see if we can get a picture with him and find out he is out of town. Go down to the Little Spokane River and take pictures while nervously eyeing the two men in a truck who were probably smoking marijuana.
1:30 - lunch with Sodexo staff Jim, Jess, and Dan at Twiggs. Their treat. I had the Salmon Briee sandwich. It was most excellent. Dan finished everyone's unfinished food.
3:00ish - head to Northtown to try on pretty dresses, or in my case feel extremely uncomfortable and watch other people try on pretty dresses. Shopping = not my favorite.
4:00 - FedEx Kinko's stop where we print our pictures after finally persuading the lady working their to refill the machines with paper for us. Not the best customer service I've ever seen.
5:00 - Back to Duvall to work on amazing collage that will blow the boys' picture slideshow out of the water.
6:45 - Dress up.
7:15 - Depart for the Melting Pot
8:00 - Try to find the Melting Pot. Pass Morihiko Nakahara on the street. Walk in circles like idiots.
8:15 - Arrive at the Melting Pot. Eat amazing chocolate fondue. Presentation of awards. I received a miniature stick horse for my supposed work ethic and the fact that I am a farm girl. I have named him "My Little Pony Suck-It-Up" so that the next time a conferee asks us to turn on the air-conditioning in Warren we can respond "there is no AC in Warren," and smack them with said pony while saying "suck it up."

All in all it was a pretty awesome day.