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So I pretty much am still the same irresponsible idiot I have always been. Not only am I failing to meet all of my internship requirements, but I'm also failing at jazz lessons and piano accompanying and basic responsibility. Go me. Maybe I won't graduate. That's an interesting future possibility...
So. Just to clarify on how the internship is going thus far, since people seem to be curious. It's nothing earth shattering, but then, I haven't exactly been expecting that. It's funny, because when I tell people I'm interning for the Spokane Symphony, even people who have absolutely no interest in classical music whatsoever, they get very excited. Far more excited than I am. Well, in defense of the ones who have no interest in classical music whatsoever, I think the assumption often is that "internship" with the symphony means I'm "playing" in the symphony. Even music majors don't seem to have a very solid grasp on the fact that the symphony isn't just a group of extreme music nerds but a non-profit arts organization, the biggest in Spokane if I remember correctly, and like any organization a large part of what actually happens goes on behind the scenes. The musicians don't just magically organize rehearsals with guest artists and appear on stage autonomously.
So, everyone gets really excited and then asks "so, what will you do?" *blink* It seems somewhat illogical to me to be really excited about somebody's unpaid occupation without knowing what it is, but I guess I understand. I mean, it sounds all prestigious and grand. The ridiculous part though is, I don't even know! And I've spent a good seven hours at their offices now. But I usually give some vague reply about marketing and operations and music libraries and hope that somewhere in the jargon they'll get confused and smile and nod and stop asking questions. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear, this internship is a great fit for me. Even if I end up learning absolutely nothing at all, it will look excellent on my resume, and it will be better than learning nothing at all somewhere else. And I think I will learn something, it's just not getting off to a grand start.
My supervisor seemed eager to meet me and get me started, which was encouraging. I had been a little surprised at how quickly she had given me the internship, but I attributed this to the fact that I had been so proactive about it, and I found out that I was right on that score. I went in on Monday and was disconcerted to find that she hadn't even looked at my resume. I mean, she didn't even know what my major was, obviously hadn't read my carefully prepared cover letter, and hadn't remembered her earlier promise that I would also be able to meet with the operations department. I was a little disappointed, but not particularly hurt. I mean, I'm a whiny college student and she has a job to do. I don't exactly expect to be spoonfed. And I figured that marketing would be more versatile than operations, although I don't know that I'm particularly suited for it. She then explained her big vision for my time with them. Social networking. Yes, three of my five major goals would consist of facebook, myspace, and twitter. I nodded politely, unwilling to put my oar in so early in our relationship but thinking all the time at the back of my mind that THAT is going to change. Basically she sees me as a pool of knowledge for this new world of the internet that she is not very versed in. I don't mind that, and am happy to help them. But I'm not going to learn anything sitting and updating their facebook page. Unfortunately that's about all I've done the three days I've been there.
I have a small cubicle in an area on the mezzanine level with particularly hideous red shag carpet. I've found our initial few meetings to be particularly unhelpful and concise. I've pretty much had to fend for myself. By exploring the computer drives and past emails I've been able to learn a bit about important little details like parking passes for interns, how to use the network and where past interns have left off. If they really were as unmotivated as it seems, I think my supervisor has another thing coming, because I WILL NOT be shoved into a back corner to mess about on instant messaging while pretending to learn about marketing by sending invitations to all my friends about the symphony facebook group. Seriously. I can't really figure out what else the interns have been doing, unless it's clipping news articles (the work study student they currently have, Justin, takes care of that right now) and making gift certificates for auctions (I did that on Monday). I think the danger is that she will treat me like a work study student, but I'm not getting any compensation for this, so it's not a matter of picking up odd jobs that nobody else can get around to. I'm here to learn about arts management dang it.
ANYHOW, Wednesday I met a few other people who work for the symphony, but not to the extent that I would remember any of their names. I wonder what they think of me. The weird blonde girl who's doing an internship for free and stays secluded in the corner while goofing off on facebook. Criminy. My supervisor made a point of telling everyone that I was Jane's niece, which was fine, but felt awkward. The best part of that day was the most wonderfully awkward moment when I left. There's a law office adjacent to the symphony's marketing offices. I was waiting by the elevator to go to the lobby when I heard someone call out "see ya!" I turned around, a bit surprised because I didn't recognize him, but I figured I had met a lot of people in a 30 second time span so it was probably a symphony employee. "Oh! See ya?" I timidly offered, only to realize just after the words had left my mouth that it was an employee of the law office saying goodbye to the receptionist on his way out. He smiled at me, realizing my mistake, and we silently waited for the elevator. "So, how are you?" he asked out of nowhere. I gave the usual response, trying not to smile. The elevator came. We both entered it. I was trying very hard not to laugh. Luckily a third person entered and we were allowed to be silent. It was deliciously awkward. I don't think I've ever had such a backwards conversation before.
So today I was expecting a formal meeting with my supervisor as well as briefing on what I would be doing at the concert this weekend. I was again disappointed, because all she said was that they might need some ushers and Justin and I might have to fill in. Great. Just what I want. To stand around with a bunch of older women in an unflattering vest while handing out programs to Rockwood Manor residents. I hope nobody I know shows up. At least I finally got to meet the mysterious Justin, a fellow Whitworth student who transferred from California last semester. He's a comm major who for some reason got a work study job with the symphony even though he professes that he didn't know anything about classical music before he took the job. It was a little awkward though, because he was doing legitimate (if boring) work while I was wondering what else of merit I could do on facebook. At one point he came out and asked me what I was doing for the symphony's facebook page, and I gave a vague reply about events, knowing full well that it takes about half an hour at most to update events. Yeesh. Still, he was very nice and at least I had a human being to talk to instead of the odd unsupervision I've experienced the past couple days.
I will be meeting with Brent on Monday to draw up some specific goals, that I hope to have the guts to press for when I meet with my supervisor that afternoon. I've already forced myself to ask about possibly attending a meeting (small battles, baby steps), to which I was given the reply that there usually weren't meetings after 2:00. Well, I get that, but how the heck am I supposed to know WHEN I should be there if nobody tells me!? I might be going to a press conference on Tuesday, which could be mildly uninteresting if I'm lucky, but I want to be actively DOING or LEARNING something. I mean, I get that I won't be handed a lot of particularly skilled work and I also get that a lot of the work is mundane stuff like filing and answering phones. It's a symphony office, not the CIA. But I could at least shadow someone, or find out how they track their attendance, or target their marketing, or what specific departments do, or how they plan marketing campaigns, or... something. When I left today my supervisor said she'd like to help me so that I wasn't floundering around on my own. Well, I appreciate the sentiment, but strangely enough I resent it a little. Anyhow, I know it's all very outrageous and shocking and that I should have been receiving more help from the get go blah, blah, blah, blah, but I'd rather that you didn't worry about it. Like I said, it's a symphony office. It's not like anything particularly exciting is going on there. But, these are the people that make it possible for classical music to be performed live. It may be a boring job, but it's important to me nonetheless. I think I can stomach the tedium knowing that at least somebody is getting a good concert out of the deal. Because I'm that pathetic. Cheers.
I just got the following email from Brent.
Dear students,
Please submit a schedule to Eric Moe ASAP if you haven’t done so already. Eric mentioned that he hadn’t yet heard from everyone so I’m writing with this gentle reminder. This will be a very strong and fun group so I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.
Heidi: Please talk to Isaac, Blair and Kurt at the next rehearsal to narrow down a possible rehearsal time.
Best regards
Brent
Um, so why am I the one who's responsible for narrowing down a rehearsal time? Could it possibly be that I'm the only one that sent Eric my schedule? *rolls eyes* Boys.
Did I mention it was 3 degrees outside this morning? And yet there will always be at least one person on campus wearing shorts. I have a paper to write tonight, but here I am updating ye olde blog, which is the way of blogging I think. I had a lovely 3-day weekend though, with no homework to boot, which is probably part of the reason I have lost all motivation. And I was doing so very well.
But the weekend was a very good one and I did heed my professor's advice and watch lots of movies. The first of which being Groundhog Day with my podmates. Since Sally's arrival things have been much more harmonious in our pod. I think it's an after-affect of trying to make Sally feel at home, we're all growing closer as a result. I can't imagine what it would be like to transfer, so I've been trying to do my bit to help her transition smoothly. Luckily her and Anna are getting along very well. At times I'm reminded of the antics my first year in BJ as we all got to know each other.
Exhausted from cross country skiing, I slept for 12 hours Friday night. I awoke at 10:00 to find my roommate still slumbering above me. At least, I was pretty sure she was up there. I can't always tell. I think at least once I've been creeping around in the dark when I was the only one in the room, but I like to play it safe. :-) I learned later that she didn't arise until 12:00, which is surprisingly something I haven't done in a very long time. It was one of the loveliest Saturdays. I ate a leisurely (I've never noticed before how close this word is to the word "liege," makes sense though) anyhow, ate breakfast at a liege-like pace and finished Over Sea, Under Stone, a children's book by Susan Cooper that I wish I had known of when I was younger.
I was inspired by Over Sea, Under Stone to go to the library in search of Le Morte d'Arthur and got completely carried away and checked out 4 books. I always get carried away at libraries. I wish the time you spent reading books didn't "count" towards actual time spent in the day. But it does. So I always lose my head and come home with piles of books, most of which I will never finish but simply have the enjoyment of anticipating and looking at and turning about in my hands. Right beside Le Morte d'Arthur was Tolkien's edition of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and then I remembered that book on films that Professor Neder had recommended... It just gets completely out of hand.
You know, I haven't even completely read The Once and Future King, and I'm trying to wolf down it's source material. I've tried a couple of times. The first was in high school, at exactly the same that I was in my first CYT production, Robin Hood. I appeared tremendously intelligent and geeky by knowing all sorts of things about jousts and such. But by the time I got past The Sword in the Stone and got to Arthur's adulterous love affairs my 14-year-old sensibilities were quite shocked and I refused to read the trash. But during one summer at CO-AG I was desperate for reading material and a little more grown up besides and I came within about 10 pages of the ending but I never did finish it. I think summer ended. And now, if I ever want to finish it, I shall simply have to read the whole thing over again, because that's how I am with books.
I really should stop using this blog as a journal but I feel like at least I'm recording something. I mean, it's really nice to be able to look back on freshman year and remember all those experiences in such vivid detail, so on we plunge. I had tremendous fun accompanying Katrina reading through music from the French musical Le Roi Soleil. Katrina's obsessed (if you're reading this now, hi), but I can't really blame her. The music is quite good. I felt like such a show off, but I was at the same time extremely pleased at my improved sight-reading. I was tearing through this stuff and I'd never even heard it before. Progress! In between songs I generally was a terrible show off and messed about on the piano while Katrina decided what to sing next. And you know something? It sounded good. Like I knew what I was doing. Like I had complete control of the piano, which I don't. Yet. Actually, complete control's kind of a utopian ideal, but it's something to reach for and not near so far off as a couple years ago.
Our music making was cut short by a scheduled viewing of Northanger Abbey. The new adaptation is quite wonderful. I highly recommend. J.J. Fields does a marvelous job as Henry Tilney and Felicity Jones plays Catherine perfectly. It's almost made me give up my dreams of travel though. Explanation: I hate the way I talk. It's complicated. It partially comes of sharing a room with a French major, who is I understand only trying to help me but I'm afraid it's a lost cause. I've always had trouble with my "a" sounds. I can only really distinctly hear 2 when in English there are 3. So, for instance, I can't pronounce "bag" properly, or "Bath" which is how this rant got started. This among other things makes it apparent that my accent is always going to be dreadful, except when speaking German because for some reason that's almost like a mother tongue to me. Anyhow, every once in a while I will try and be intelligent and clever by mentioning such and such a book or quoting something only to find I sound like a complete ass because I can't say the da#*ed thing properly. So I take short cuts whenever I can, which partially requires me translating foreign things into English, but it's humiliating in any case.
Okay, onwards. Sunday was similarly lazy. I got to see most of Le Roi Soleil which Katrina has on DVD. Slight drawback, it's all in French with no subtitles. There is also something particularly intimidating and alienating about being surrounded by a bunch of friends who are speaking another language. Obviously, it was a French class activity and it was my choice to come, so I'm not complaining, but I'm just observing. I enjoyed the music and between songs I made up my own plot. It involved Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and a plot to submerge all of France, and Dracula, and Tinker Bell, and Ariel was in love with Louis XIV... Ummmm, yeah. I suppose Louis looks fairly attractive here, if somewhat like a girl (which was of course simply the fashion at the time). But I was under the impression that in real life he was somewhat like Ben Franklin, not so attractive and a little on the chubby side but still quite the ladies' man.
Monday was... Well, I can't quite remember what I did do. But I had a fun time playing Apples to Apples with the girls in 204 during which "carnies" were paired with "handsome," "meat cleavers" were considered "courageous" and "my love life" was deemed by myself to be "miserable." :-) Also watched several episodes of Monk, which is a wonderfully Sherlockian. And that's pretty much it and probably all we have time for. If you read all this, you're either a really good friend or a really bored soul. My prayers for you.
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Now playing: Le Roi Soleil Cast - S'Aimer Est Interdit
via FoxyTunes
So, I consider myself a good student. Or used to. I used to consider myself as an A student. I'm not satisfied with anything beneath an A. Even if it's an A-. That said, I don't mind an A- or two, or even the occasional B. Anything below that is sure to upset me however. I got my first B- in college last semester in Reporting for Mass Media. I was really disappointed, especially since my goal is to have a cumulative GPA that's above a 3.75. The fact that I have not reached this is disappointing, but it would be even worse if my grades dropped below a 3.5. Then I'd lose my scholarship. Not all of it, but I'd be receiving less money and I'm already in enough debt as it is. That's one way that I can fund my education without burdening my future finances or my parents, but if I end up not meeting that requirement, I don't know what I'll do.
I've never had a reason to seriously worry about this before now. But for some reason I'm just not making it this semester. It's stupid. I'm confident of an A in one class, and that's not enough. Mostly what's worrying me is Financial Accounting. After doing extremely poorly on our first test (and I was above the class average, which tells you something) I was confident I could salvage my grade if I just did well on all the homework and the remaining tests. If I can do better on the final, it will replace my lowest test score. But I may have blown this opportunity because of a project that I didn't realize was worth the same amount as a test. I did not leave myself enough time to do the project as well as I would have liked, and I'm really, really disappointed in myself for that. There may be no way to save my grade after this. (Trust me, it's bad). We have our second test tomorrow and I'm seriously worried.
I'm also anxious to get my Core test back because I REALLY need an A in that class now as it's worth the most credits. I've been getting stupid B+'s on all my conducting exams, and that's just stupid. I should be able to get A's easily in that class and I would I'm sure if I'd just take the time to practice. Once again it's not my ability level that's holding me back but my responsibility.
My current cumulative is lower than I would like in any case, so I had a lot riding on this semester. Especially since the apparent perception is that you're supposed to have everything together by junior year. You're supposed to be responsible by now. They expect a higher level of performance. I'm obviously not living up to that. I thought I was more intelligent than this. I thought I could handle more. I'm just so angry with myself right now for the fact that I cannot consistently maintain good grades anymore!
And honestly, it makes me feel really stupid when I look at all my friends who have double majors and are taking all these writing-intensive upper-division credits and are in laureate society and I can't even pass stupid financial accounting or my stupid 2 credit conducting class or get a solid A in lessons or Core or ANYTHING! And we saw what happened when I did take an upper-division course. A lot of my friends have 2 majors and a minor and are doing great and I'm struggling with just one major and a minor. I wanted to prove that I was equal to succeeding at the college level, especially because I come from a small high school where academic standards weren't that high. Maybe it's my pride talking but I wanted to be the exception to the rule. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people but that's exactly what employers do and I'm just so frustrated with my major and I'm really worried about what I'll do after college. I'd really like to add a Jazz Performance track to my music major but I don't dare try because I'd have to pass upper-division and obviously I'm already sinking under the business track.
I've just been thinking that my college career is over halfway done and that once I get out, it's over. It's time for the real world. No more music for one. If I'm lucky I'll get employed as a secretary or something and hate my job and be struggling to pay rent somewhere and pay off my loans. It's one thing to get a job as a music major. But on top of that "oh, I see you did poorly in all your business classes... Hmmm I think we'll hire somebody else." My brother isn't helping matters. Every time I see him he tells me how much he regrets being a music major and how much he dislikes his job and how I should enjoy college while I can because life pretty much sucks afterwards. Which is what I've suspected all along. I feel like, for my parent's sake, I need to be the kid who is financially independent. My sister is living off of donations for her school in Mexico, my brother does have a paying job but it's just with the after-school programs. My parents are always talking about how they're worried about him. My mom says it's different for me because I'm a girl and I won't have to support a family but I don't care! IF I do get married I don't want to be a stay-at-home-mom. It's not that there's anything wrong with that it's just not for me. And frankly I don't really even want to get married because getting married implies having children and I really, really don't want to have children. Anyhow, sorry for subjecting you to all this, I just really needed to vent. Especially since talking to other people at Whitworth doesn't help because I'm always just hearing about how they got an A on such and such a test or how they're really disappointed in the A- they got when at this point I'd die to get an A-. I'm just so disappointed with myself and so worried about how I'm going to support myself after college and I know I should trust God but it's so much easier to say than to do.
