I Deserve to Be Kicked Out of the Music Department...

I feel awful. I have just realized I am a terrible person! I wasn't trying to be a terrible person, it just kind of happened by accident... Okay, so I have juries coming up and I've been practicing and all that but I feel badly about this year because I was thinking about it and I realized I have been really terrible to my poor profs... I seriously doubt if either Bev or Brent has had a worse piano student than I have been! It's that awful!

Okay, so probably my worst moment this year has been my audition for renewal of my piano scholarship. Back when I was a senior in high school I auditioned for a piano scholarship so that I would get lessons for free... Well, I was so terrified you have no idea. I have a tremendous amount of respect for Judith and all the piano faculty at Whitworth and I worked really really hard choosing what pieces to play and then I practiced them a lot. Even so my audition didn't quite go the way I wanted. I nailed the Bach piece but that wasn't so much of a surprise as I'd first played it in 6th grade (so it wasn't like it was a huge challenge) but the Beethoven sonata which was the one I was counting on to really prove I could play some piano wasn't as solid as it could have been. Even so they granted me a half hour scholarship, which isn't as good as getting an hour but it was exciting. So this year I had to do an audition for renewal, which isn't supposed to be a big deal. They usually renew their scholarships unless you really blow it.

Well, I think I really blew it... I wasn't feeling too stressed but I felt kind of like an idiot because the pieces I've been working on this year have been nowhere near the level of difficulty (it seems) that I tackled in high school, and I've still been struggling with them! So I knew that my audition would seem pretty pathetic compared to last year's, but I felt solid on my pieces (Scarlatti and Chopin) so I was hopeful that I'd get a renewal. Well, just an hour or so before my audition I realized I didn't know the catalogue number to my Scarlattie piece! The worst of it was Judith had nailed me on this at juries because I hadn't known it and I'd promised I would memorize it! Good job Heidi, way to be a stupid lazy idiot. Seriously I am still kicking myself A LOT over this. It was such a STUPID thing to do. I had lost the sheet that said what number it was so here I am minutes before my audition scouring the internet for the right catalogue number... My roommate, bless her heart, didn't quite understand the gravity of the situation and was trying to tell me jokes or something from what she was doing on the internet. Meanwhile I am about to commit social suicide as far as any positive relationship with Judith for the future is concerned... Not to mention I can kiss goodbye to that scholarship renewal... Well, I did find something on the internet but I couldn't read the last number. So maybe I got lucky and I guessed the right one but was extremely stupid.

You see I felt so stupid and guilty about the whole thing that I told both Bev and Brent about the incident when they asked how my audition went. Bev was disapproving but I think I revealed I was in such distress that she felt a tiny bit sympathetic (even though I have been TERRIBLE about practicing this semester! I am so LAZY! I feel AWFUL!) But Brent just gave me this pained look that plainly spoke of disappointment and told me that Judith most certainly would have noticed that... Well I was aware of that thank you but I think I left the impression that I really didn't care and had just shrugged it off. Obviously that is not the case. This still really bothers me.

So I haven't heard anything and I'm thinking I didn't get a renewal which is fine because I really don't deserve one after pulling a stunt like that. This is college, you can't make stupid mistakes like that one. I just wish my instructors fully understood it wasn't on purpose and I wasn't being cocky and overly-confident that "oh of course" I would get a renewal...

Gosh I've been such a bad piano student I just want to hide in a hole. There've been so many jazz lessons where I've basically just wasted both Brent's and my time because I hadn't practiced enough over the week... He actually got angry at me one lesson, which, if you knew Brent, would know that it's IMPOSSIBLE to make him angry. It just doesn't happen. Angry isn't in his vocabulary, unless your Heidi Olson, the worst jazz piano student ever to enter the music building. Granted, there was a bit of a misunderstanding about what I was trying to say but I think he'd been getting frustrated enough with my obvious lack of effort that I deserved in whether it was a misunderstanding or not.

I'm not even going to start on my late papers for Bev. Let's just say she grants me grace I do not deserve.

Not that it's been like that all semester. The beginning of this semester I did really well practicing and such. It just feels like the bad outweighs the good.

So I have to apply for music major status at my next classical jury and if I were them... I would at the very least chew myself out for being such a... I don't know words literally fail me. Why am I so living challenged!? At least I've finally started putting the effort into my lessons that I should have been putting in all year. I've been listening to every copy of How High the Moon I can get my hands on (which isn't much) and living at the music building.

Anyhow, for some reason I've been remembering all these terrible moments that were definitely not my finest hour. I'm just afraid that my profs will think I don't care and that I do this sort of thing on purpose, which is not the case. I just have a really difficult time managing my time. It's really funny because on the whole I've been doing better this semester grades-wise.

Well, enough of my depressed moping. Today wasn't a bad day. I slept late (why am I sleeping so much? Is it stress? Depression? I don't understand!) and then after brunch I spent a couple hours at the music building. Then I did some listening at the library. I'd promised my friend Karen I would go to Catholic chant mass at 5:00 so around 4:00 I left the library and headed to St. Al's. Unfortunately I ended up leaving late (that always happens when I think I have plenty of time) and then I turned the wrong way on Mission so I got there 10 minutes late... But it was okay, and even if I'm not Catholic, chant mass is just cool. Afterwards I spent some time at Karen's, they fed me which was nice of them, and we played some music and it was really a nice afternoon. I left my bicycle to be repaired by Karen's dad (he's a bike mechanic) and left to spend some more time at the music building. I think I have a serious guilt complex. Enough of that though. Really. Heidi, stop it! Crying and complaining about it won't fix anything. I'll just do the best I can and then work at it over the summer and see where I get. The good thing is I'm not a performance major because, well, I just wouldn't cut it.

Anyhow, thta is my complaining sad cry me a river story for the week. I will tell you how finals go and try not to go insane. I mean, not all of the music faculty can hate me. I've been doing really well in Debbie's class, maybe she thinks I'm not so bad! And Keberle seems to think I've made loads of progress on jazz, which is nice even if it's not true. And Dr. Phil is always nice to me. Well, they're all nice to me, it's just I don't think I have the best reputation with certain profs. Dang it! It's so much harder to fix that sort of thing than to establish a good reputation in the first place. First impressions you know. Dang it. *kicks self repeatedly* Wait, I'm complaining again aren't I? Dang it! Ummmmm.

Did I mention Karen's little sister fell asleep in chant mass? It was one of the cutest things ever. And it was a pretty nice day. Kind of chilly, but not bad. I should go study. Thanks for reading this far if you did indeed read this far. You should get a gold star.