Grade Anxiety

So, I consider myself a good student. Or used to. I used to consider myself as an A student. I'm not satisfied with anything beneath an A. Even if it's an A-. That said, I don't mind an A- or two, or even the occasional B. Anything below that is sure to upset me however. I got my first B- in college last semester in Reporting for Mass Media. I was really disappointed, especially since my goal is to have a cumulative GPA that's above a 3.75. The fact that I have not reached this is disappointing, but it would be even worse if my grades dropped below a 3.5. Then I'd lose my scholarship. Not all of it, but I'd be receiving less money and I'm already in enough debt as it is. That's one way that I can fund my education without burdening my future finances or my parents, but if I end up not meeting that requirement, I don't know what I'll do.

I've never had a reason to seriously worry about this before now. But for some reason I'm just not making it this semester. It's stupid. I'm confident of an A in one class, and that's not enough. Mostly what's worrying me is Financial Accounting. After doing extremely poorly on our first test (and I was above the class average, which tells you something) I was confident I could salvage my grade if I just did well on all the homework and the remaining tests. If I can do better on the final, it will replace my lowest test score. But I may have blown this opportunity because of a project that I didn't realize was worth the same amount as a test. I did not leave myself enough time to do the project as well as I would have liked, and I'm really, really disappointed in myself for that. There may be no way to save my grade after this. (Trust me, it's bad). We have our second test tomorrow and I'm seriously worried.

I'm also anxious to get my Core test back because I REALLY need an A in that class now as it's worth the most credits. I've been getting stupid B+'s on all my conducting exams, and that's just stupid. I should be able to get A's easily in that class and I would I'm sure if I'd just take the time to practice. Once again it's not my ability level that's holding me back but my responsibility.

My current cumulative is lower than I would like in any case, so I had a lot riding on this semester. Especially since the apparent perception is that you're supposed to have everything together by junior year. You're supposed to be responsible by now. They expect a higher level of performance. I'm obviously not living up to that. I thought I was more intelligent than this. I thought I could handle more. I'm just so angry with myself right now for the fact that I cannot consistently maintain good grades anymore!

And honestly, it makes me feel really stupid when I look at all my friends who have double majors and are taking all these writing-intensive upper-division credits and are in laureate society and I can't even pass stupid financial accounting or my stupid 2 credit conducting class or get a solid A in lessons or Core or ANYTHING! And we saw what happened when I did take an upper-division course. A lot of my friends have 2 majors and a minor and are doing great and I'm struggling with just one major and a minor. I wanted to prove that I was equal to succeeding at the college level, especially because I come from a small high school where academic standards weren't that high. Maybe it's my pride talking but I wanted to be the exception to the rule. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people but that's exactly what employers do and I'm just so frustrated with my major and I'm really worried about what I'll do after college. I'd really like to add a Jazz Performance track to my music major but I don't dare try because I'd have to pass upper-division and obviously I'm already sinking under the business track.

I've just been thinking that my college career is over halfway done and that once I get out, it's over. It's time for the real world. No more music for one. If I'm lucky I'll get employed as a secretary or something and hate my job and be struggling to pay rent somewhere and pay off my loans. It's one thing to get a job as a music major. But on top of that "oh, I see you did poorly in all your business classes... Hmmm I think we'll hire somebody else." My brother isn't helping matters. Every time I see him he tells me how much he regrets being a music major and how much he dislikes his job and how I should enjoy college while I can because life pretty much sucks afterwards. Which is what I've suspected all along. I feel like, for my parent's sake, I need to be the kid who is financially independent. My sister is living off of donations for her school in Mexico, my brother does have a paying job but it's just with the after-school programs. My parents are always talking about how they're worried about him. My mom says it's different for me because I'm a girl and I won't have to support a family but I don't care! IF I do get married I don't want to be a stay-at-home-mom. It's not that there's anything wrong with that it's just not for me. And frankly I don't really even want to get married because getting married implies having children and I really, really don't want to have children. Anyhow, sorry for subjecting you to all this, I just really needed to vent. Especially since talking to other people at Whitworth doesn't help because I'm always just hearing about how they got an A on such and such a test or how they're really disappointed in the A- they got when at this point I'd die to get an A-. I'm just so disappointed with myself and so worried about how I'm going to support myself after college and I know I should trust God but it's so much easier to say than to do.